Lost, once again.

I’m here, in Seattle. I have been so happy with Brittany and Jonathon. But… I feel lost. Most of the time I feel awkward, unsure, shy, everything. I am never sure where I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to say, or do. Jonathon seems afraid of me, I don’t blame him. He acts afraid to be my Master. My only response other than confusion, is the amount of attacking, clawing, biting I have done. Brittany isn’t really filling Natural shoes as a dominant, but she is trying so hard. I’m crazy, pathetic… I have this pedantic need to be controlled, given direction… when its not there, I flail, just like I am now. I’ve hurt him, more than once… I feel terrible, but I’ve gotten an inkling of what I need, stupid selfish little bitch. I half expect them, when I leave, to tell all their friends about this crazy bitch who freaks out and claws. To dump me when I get to the train station. I feel in the way. They aren’t being intimate, probably because of this stupid girl in the way. I am half tempted to go out early tomorrow, with no money of course, and let them have some alone time. Jonathon says its not me, both say I help things be better, I don’t believe them. Stupid ugly fake girl… fuck fuck fuck. Such a freak. Beautiful people, both of them, and me fucking things up. I have trouble cuddling, because I am naive, inexperienced, and attracted to them. But I feel sick, to the point of chest pains, because it feels like lusting at them is utterly inappropriate. Just a silly dumb horny girl. Fucking hate me! Ugh… I really make myself sick. I don’t know if I need to run out and cry, or bury it all… I just don’t fucking know what to do. Maybe I’m just supposed to be a single, fantasy obsessed, tranny mom freak thing virgin…

Fuck…

Sit on Santa’s Lap pimping

Heya, linking to my fetlife… Wanting some xmas items… sign up you could win too!

http://fetlife.com/sit_on_santas_lap

Doubts and moments where you forget yourself.

I’m human… a teenage girl. More often than I like, I have moments where my confidence (false maybe?) Suddenly vanishes. Similar to the feeling of having the wind knocked out of you. I was discussing one such recent episode with a friend, and just the discussion of it, brought the feeling rushing back.

I fought tears, still am. Which is doubly aweful after all the wonderful things they did for me tonite for my birthday. I love these people terribly. They are becoming dear to me as my family of Marty, Yvette and my brothers. So I feel like I am insulting them to have such thoughts of doubt while in their beautiful company. Hormones can only excuse so much.

So, okay chika, what the fuck is this doubt? What you think you’re fat? Yeah I do, like millions of other girls, but that’s not it. No, this is about my fetish life. This is a question of if this is really for me. I am very submissive, a brat certainly, but submissive to the core. I have, contrary to my lesbian claims, been recently infatuated with members of the phallically equipped individual demographic. All but one or two of these people have gravely and morbidly failed me in meeting even standards of mental clarity or decency. Excuses abound, but I am deaf to them after the 3rd or 4th instance.

Okay girly, what the hell does this have to do with fet? Guys are dicks, old news, so what. Okay, the problem is that these men are IN the fet community. Thus the failure to meet expectations by so many of the prospects, leads me to question my choices, my wants, and thus, if I even belong in this world. I have no experience. My dominant tells me I am a horrible submissive. If my choice of prospects is fail… If I cannot even be a decent submissive, if I cannot progress and grow, do I really belong here?

I hope so.

I want to be sure.

*sigh*

I really have trouble doing these blogs. I have started two. One for me and friends here on LJ, the other on wordpress for more personal and strangers. We shall see how it goes. Look at the about me to learn a bit about… me, if curious.

Yesterday, my dear M and Raven, took me and my gf out to San Fran to Folsom Street Fair for my birthday. We had a great time, though I left feeling a bit down about myself. There were many interesting people and lots of beautiful things to see. Ran into some other friends from the community there. Had a photography battle with one of them, I think he won.

For myself, I was wearing a black Tripp, NYC bondage skirt with yellow plaid underneath, chains adorning it. A pair of glossy (not matte) knee high boots (rounded toe 4 inch heel) for the feet. Up top was a black VS push up bra, over which my dear Raven tied a rope harness for my breasts. It was cute. Then M and Raven came out all corsetted, and we got there and the sea of corsets and DD’s, I started to shrink. I still tried to be brave at first, pulling the hoodie off to show off the rope. Then we came across a TS, whose itty bitty B cups, same size as little me, but in a full body rope harness (nothing else). Her little breasts were squeezed between the rope… first reaction was feeling like a carbon copy… then the worst part, her pre op bits were bouncing around as she pranced about, thus reminding me of my birth defect and suddenly I felt like hiding. Many people had already said “Oh you’re trans aren’t you” though the tone behind it was “Oh, you’re not a real girl are you.”

These events left me shaking and I hid in my hoodie, pulled my pigtails down, so that I could hide behind my hair and camera. I took about 1600 shots. I might get about 40 good ones.

The whole outing was wonderful and I am grateful to my M and Raven for the birthday treats. Minor insecurities will pass.

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